Without Worth

I wanted wings with which to fly

To conquer worldly space

To destroy the roadblocks that in my path lie

To defy the human race.

I wanted to run like the speed of light

To streak across the seas

To bind all the elements in my own might

With the whisper of a breeze.

I wanted the moon and all of the stars,

I wanted them all for my own.

I wanted to sail on winds afar

And have my heart be called my home

I wanted to reach the farthest reach

To scale the tallest tower

I wanted the song my soul to breach

And to smell the rarest flower.

There was nothing to stop me from building a bridge

From destroying entire towns

Then lifting then up from their ashes rich

And rebuilding them with sound.

I wanted to capture thunder’s sound

The lightning’s frightening power

I’d make the rain come and fall to the ground

And the earth would quake at the shower.

I wanted to feel the most passionate love

I wished for nothing but the burn

The sanctified hunger concocted above

Of my limits I would learn.

I wanted all things to give them to you

I wanted to hand them away.

To give you the world would mean everything

But you left my side today.

So now the world’s worth has gone painfully dry

There is nothing that holds value still

The days and the weeks and the months will pass by

But the silver bell’s sound will be shrill.

The wings that I wanted will lie in debris

The candles I burn remain lit.

There’s no gold bright enough to return you to me

All my dreams are shrunk and ill-fit.

Without you here to give all the earth

I find my own matter so small.

For where is the meaning, where all of the worth

If you’ll never share it at all.

Lie to Me.

I have a thing about honesty.

It's one thing to lie to someone to protect them from the truth, or to fudge a fact to blunt the blow, but when you know the truth already and someone lies straight to your face, KNOWING that you know the truth, it is beyond dishonest. It is downright insulting.

I pride myself in being a rather skilled reader of people. When trying hard enough, I can typically tell a wide range of facts about a particular person by just gauging their body language and habits, even upon first meeting them. It's not an altogether unheard-of skill. After the first impression and as time goes on, this ability to 'read' someone gets easier. When you know someone for a very long time, spend countless hours with them, connect on a very personal level, and come to understand one another's nervous habits and stances, it is almost impossible to misinterpret if you are paying close attention. Something as little as not making eye contact when saying hello, not smiling about a certain subject, or an off-reaction to a specific someone can trigger your awareness of your friend's alteration from their normal mood. I watch for those very carefully when I am in a potentially uncomfortable situation.

Now here's the kicker. If you know your friend this well, chances are they know you equally. They may not vocalize it, but they'll notice the forehead rub every ten seconds that gives away your discomfort. The will catch you staring into the corner of the room to avoid someone else's eye. They will always, always notice the way you speak, and how much speaking you do, whether it be too much or too little.

If your behavior is unexpected, and your friend becomes cognizant of your altered posture, they likely will ask you, in a discreet manner, what the matter is. It is natural to disregard or brush aside this gesture, and often, that is what happens, accompanied by a tacit agreement to discuss the matter later. That is fine, and works well. However, when this happens to me, and someone deliberately lies to me, wishing to deceive me about their state of well-being, when I know full-well that they do not feel the way they say they do, I tend to lose respect for that individual. If I am taking the time from my day to ask them why they are uncomfortable, it is not because I want to uncover their weakness. It is because I wish to assist them to find a solution to the problem.

Do not lie to someone who cares, or they may learn to believe you wish them to stop caring. The last thing any of us needs is one less person who gives a crap about us enough to ask.

Symptoms of Addiction

"It's like you're a drug. It's like you're a demon I can't face down, it's like I'm stuck. It's like I'm running from you all the time." --Kelly Clarkson, Addicted.

Have you ever been addicted?

Not to a substance, but to a person. A living, breathing human being.

If you have never been addicted to someone, you may not be able to quite comprehend the feelings it generates. This person becomes you. Not that they actually turn into you, but you absorb so much of them, so many of their habits, their sayings, their catch phrases, opinions, ideas, ideals, flaws, dreams, sentiments, mannerisms... that eventually, you are, by a very large percentage, made up of...them. This person is like the leaky faucet in the back of your head. The one that, even when the faucet isn't on, when you're not thinking of them specifically, the constant drip of their name in the corners of your consciousness allow you to never really lose cognizance of their presence in your being. You will always worry about this person, no matter what is going on, with no consideration to whom they dedicate their time, and with no variance pertaining to their actual state of well-being. You will think of this person every time a song comes on the radio. No matter what song it is, you'll find some line to relate to them.

Let's say this someone is a male, and let's pretend his name is Jared. When you stand next to Jared, there is a literal, tangible force that draws you nearer to him. Whenever he walks past you, you, by instinct and not conscious decision, breathe in just to catch his scent, which is unendingly intoxicating. No matter the color, shape, size, or temperature of his eyes, every time he looks at you, you melt. His smile will be the most important thing in the world. And no matter what, every time he bats an eyelash at you, no matter how determined you are to hold your ground, it brings you to your knees. The slightest touch from him causes an electric spark to speed up your pulse and set your nerves on fire. You will never get enough of Jared. When you are away from Jared, it is like winter has set in for good. When you are preparing to meet Jared, there are more butterflies in your stomach than in springtime, and when you are with Jared, it is a constant summer. Even if you are fighting, you don't want him to go away, because that means winter is coming back. If you are fortunate enough to earn a kiss from him, it will be the most memorable one of your lifetime, and he will always taste good.

If you are very lucky, Jared will be addicted to you in the same way.

Let us pretend now that this person is female, just to be fair. Let's say her name is Kate.

What if Kate does not feel the same for you as you do for her, and instead holds you somewhat in a state of disregard? She is not unfriendly, but her efforts toward holding the relationship with you are weak and insincere. When you stand next to Kate, feeling that immutable draw toward her, you feel an invisible wall holding you back. You know she cares. There is no doubt. However, she cannot understand your actions and emotions because she does not share your sentiments. All of those times when all you wish to do is reach down and take her hand are unbearable, because she will not allow it. You are willing to spend an eternity in this agony, waiting for her to understand you and learn to love you as you love her, but you are never sure whether or not she will ever turn. You may wish to leave, but you will never leave her behind. A part of her will always be with you, and every time you see her face those feelings will come flooding back. You can keep holding on, keep trying with no guarantee of success, or you can leave and hope she can't follow you. Either way will be painful. Neither way will be right. Both ways are what you want, but each seems like the wrong choice. The final decision ends up in Kate's hands.

You are faced with an impossible challenge, at which time your only option is to turn to the Lord and hope that he guides you in the right direction. But you must be willing to listen.

Once you are addicted, the only cure is abstinence. If this is not possible, neither is recovery.

I have been addicted.

I am still addicted.

I pray that I need not recover.

Beginning or End?

Beginning or End?

The stars, with pulsing rays of hope

Give chase to hidden wants

And love with martyred death desires

The blood, and, cowering, haunts.

The vapors of my memory

Dissolved in open space

Give oxygen to past fantasies

And current dreams deface.

In defiance of Omnipotence

I claim to know the truth,

And yet, my heart within my chest

Seems lacking of the proof.

With sorrows and my miseries

I dwell in shadows deep,

While underneath the skin of lies

My liberties I keep.

They say in future chance of crime

Keep to yourself your tears,

For showing of insanities

Only adds to greater fears.

But council now, that singing out

The key of bittersweet

Will grow and root you to the air

And assist you in defeat.