Ten Cents

Ten Cents

12-5-11

I used to feel such sorrow

For the suffering you’ve seen.

I used to think, inside of you

Was more than what you’ve been.

I understood the walls

That you put up in our way

I used to hope that I could make you stay.

I used to pray for patience

To handle you with care

My fragile crystal package

That was padded with despair.

But the light that you refracted

Was made of blood and black.

I never thought you’d thank me with attack.

Every teardrop that I’ve shed,

Count them, there are thousands.

If they could rain down on your head

It could soak you to the bone.

I’d have gone with you, if you’d let me,

Despite my selfish pride.

But you were leaving, me still grieving,

And like a fool I was still believing.

So now I wish I had a dime

For all the times for you I’ve cried.

I used to dream about you,

That you’d say you were my own.

In my dreams you’d say you loved me

And in your eyes it shone.

But when I woke up to reality

To force another smile,

I knew we haven’t had that for a while.

Every teardrop that I’ve shed,

Count them, there are thousands,

If they could rain down on your head

It would soak you to the bone.

I’d have gone with you, if you let me,

Despite my selfish pride.

But you were leaving, me still grieving,

And like a fool I was still believing.

So I wish I had a dime

For every time for you I’ve cried.

For endless weeks I fought for you

I gave it every try

Despite all the pain you caused me

I thought that we could fly.

But it’s obvious, you’d given up

Didn’t want a happy end.

So it’s up to me to let us not pretend.

No more what ifs, no more could bes

You’ve proved there’s nothing left to see.

And you never let it rest

Still, I’m wishing you the best.

Every teardrop that I’ve shed,

Count them, there are thousands.

If they could rain down on your head,

It would soak you to the bone.

I’d have gone with you, if you’d let me,

Despite my selfish pride.

But you were leaving, me still grieving,

And like a fool I was still believing.

So I wish I had a dime for every time for you I’ve cried.

Conscious Rebellion

Conscious Rebellion

11-22-11

I become who I should be

When caught betwixt fear and destiny

And I call on God for help to see

The latent strength that hides in me.

For in my weakness, no power yet loosed

I find I have this Joy refused

That would have been if I had used

My wisdom, and had not abused.

For now I find myself fast bound

By unfortunate fate that has come around

And captured me without a sound.

Within its flaxen cords I’m found.

The ropes with poison coated, tie

My hands behind my head, and I

Allow some potion now to cry

From out the corners of my eye.

And still I wonder, have I made

The higher choice? And have I laid

My own self down, so that I fade

To help another on his way?

And perhaps, if God my sins erases

Because I helped a stranger’s paces

I’ll move on, and tie my laces

And see the world in all its faces.

But morals, bound on earth, remind

That often, caught up in our time,

We forsake the ecstasy sublime

For other trinkets that we find.

Tis only when we feel the pains

Of cutting ropes and binding chains

That we, mere humans, again attain

Our consciousness of Him who reigns.

So lying on the concrete floor

Of guilt, still tied up like before

I fear that I will nevermore

Take steps back through God’s mighty door.

Because this ground on which I weep

Has become my garden. Here I sleep.

For ‘twas I who built it, and I reap

Rewards. I’ve dug my own grave, deep,

recognition has yet to come

Of the sting that throbs like pounding drum

Iniquity has come to make me numb

To unhallowed deeds that I have done.

So my secret might that lies within

Stays hidden in unfeeling skin

And happiness, it’s nearest kin

Is chased from me because of sin.

Someday I may redemption ride

If I lose my devil-granted pride

Until that day, I hold inside

And to none I will my fears confide.

I do my own damnation sew

And find myself my greatest foe,

Yet somewhere hidden deep I know

The words that were taught so long ago.

I become who I should be

When caught betwixt fear and destiny

And I call on God for help to see

The latent strength that hides in me.

Working Title

Lift your tired eyes and pick your heart up off the ground

let your hands hang down and gently brush the floor without a sound.

the swing on which you sit is slowly rocking back and forth

and it reminds you of your childhood when you built pillows into forts.

You listen to the breeze, it whispers tales from far away

and just think what you'll discover when you escape from here someday.

Castles built and mountains climbed and traveling so far

will someday in your glory be a part of who you are.

All these things remind you

of the years you've left behind you

and the broken hearts that find you

on your knees.

But the one thing you still hold to

are the words that once were told you,

"When life's bitter sting unfolds you

and you freeze,

Don't hang your head, but lift your eyes above

and remember you are loved."

The blinding lights and freezing winds that make you lose your way

destroy the dreams that made you push this far into the fray.

And still you persevere, you tie your laces and you run,

doesn't matter what direction, underneath the falling sun.

Forget your fears, your trials, your tears, the people that you've lost

And instead you'll count the roads and every pathway that you've crossed.

All these things remind you

of the years you've left behind you

of the pain you feel that blinds to

what's in store.

But the one thing that still matters

when your heart is left in tatters

and your soul is broken, shattered

on the floor

Don't hang your head, but lift your eyes above

and remember

Remember every kiss and every smile and every tear

remember all the faces that you've met, and every year.

there's always someone watching, show them you are more than skin

let them see where all the magic here begins.

Someday when you look back you'll remember what you've done

You'll understand your grace, the importance of just one.

You've passed it on, you've served your time, you've conquered all your fears

and you've made someone's life better, changing history by ear.

All these things remind you

of the years you've left behind you

and the beauty that's inside you

that belongs.

Despite how much your heart aches

however many times this part breaks

Past all the hundreds of mistakes,

you still move on.

Never hang your head, but lift your eyes above

and remember you are loved.

More Than it Seemed

My friend, Devin Van Noy, and I decided to write a song. It turned out better, I think, than either of us expected. With him on the guitar (he's incredible.) and me on lyrics, we made a pretty good team. This was the result.

More Than it Seemed

We live life, our eyes on the ground

And stand down, broken hearts all around

The treads that we walk are dull

And we wonder if we've lost our souls

Your eyes tell me of all of your tears

Your sighs tell me of all of the years

Wasted waiting all in vain

When all I wanted was to hear you say my name

The beat of my heart says you don't understand

All that I want is to hold your hand

And I just can't let it go

You broke my heart then left me alone

But at night you still walk my dreams

this love was more than it seemed.

My hands reach, but only find space

My thoughts take the shape of your face

A heart now built from sand

I breathe in once again

Memories, I'd rather be blind

Tucked in corners in the back of my mind

Each one a different blade

But love won't let them fade

CHORUS

Each day to face is another year

Each minute one more day

I walk alone without you here

Since the night you walked away

It wasn't easy all along

But it's harder since you're gone.

Some days I wish I could make you see

The heaven that your smile gave to me

You were my whole world

For you I've come unfurled

But now you're gone, and I have to go

Down pathways, new to all I know

A stranger in the rain

And try to hide the pain

CHORUS

Guilt

Guilt is a disgustingly funny thing. Sometimes, it is so opposite of humorous that we must laugh, even though we hate ourselves for it.

It is such a dreadful, egregious, heavy emotion, one that weighs down our shoulders over time until our feet drag on the sidewalks, our shoulders touch our knees from the disfiguring effect of bearing such an emotion.

Guilt is used as a tool of manipulation by others. However unkind, it is common knowledge, and practice, to use it as such. What we fail to realize, however, is that we are more often manipulated by ourselves than those around us. How often do we see a statement and worry whether it was meant to make us feel at fault for an action, when in reality it was a joking comment? And, playing the other side, how often do we see pleas for help from ones we have wronged, and brush off our shoulders, feeling nothing? You cannot feel guilty unless you care, theoretically.

So that leaves the question, is your guilt proportionate to how much compassion you hold toward another? If you hardly know the person you have hurt, will you hurt more or less when you realize what you have done than if the same crime were against someone you love with all of your heart? Some would argue that you would feel more for the one you know less, for example, because you have small chance to make recompense. But say you hurt the person you love with all of your heart, and not just once, but in the same way over and over, only to be forgiven every time? How long would you haunt yourself until you let it go? Do you have to wait for their forgiveness in order to for you to forgive yourself, and if they do so repeatedly, how do you compensate for their continuous faith in your relationship? The answer is usually simple. Time, work. It is simple, but not easy, and can only be implemented as long as the second party remains close enough to feel the effect.

Sometimes it is easy to forgive and forget, to hope that someone will eventually forgive you for inconveniencing them. Then again, sometimes when we should forgive and forget, our unending enemy, pride, will not let us merely let go and move on. Instead, we hold on all the more firmly to the frayed threads we still have and allow ourselves some reason to be unhappy. This being said, is there ever really evidence that another person guilts us any more than we guilt ourselves? Can we only be beguiled into negative feelings if there are any to be brought to shore? Food for thought.

Unfortunate Strangers.

What do you do when you realize someone you have held as a dear friend for quite some time is actually a complete stranger? When you thought you knew so much about them, but you start to pay attention, and you realize you mean very little in that person's life?

I am someone who likes to know people up close and personal style. I believe that true friendship lies in the ability to confide with another. But not everyone is willing to dish out their lives' 'black lagoons' to just anyone. Especially not me. I don't like to tell people about my personal life, especially my love life. It makes me very uncomfortable to talk about myself in any other way than just shallow small talk. There are very few people in which I confide more than that, and only one person who I have ever told everything, but people tell me things. I tend to be the one people come to for advice, to blow off steam, to get a hug. Or, I used to be.

These days I find myself becoming more and more of a stranger to those friends I used to hold dear. My two best friends are now some of the people to which I talk the most seldom. I'm still the advice-girl, but not nearly as often, and not on such a personal basis.

I'm beginning to think that my being so closed-off to the people around me is causing me to give up chances for close connections. The phrase, "Once burned, twice weary" seems to be a dominant phrase in my lifestyle. I'm not fake, I don't pretend to have everything perfect and California-Sunshine happy 100% of the time, but I just refrain from telling people about my life. I don't talk about home to many people, I rarely talk about boys with my girlfriends, and even then it's usually about their boys, not mine. I don't like expressing my true feelings on many topics, because I feel that it is unnecessary and irrelevant, and that usually, people wouldn't understand. I seem to think differently than my peers for some reason.

But apart from being closed-off, what happens when you think you're close to someone, and then find out that you really have no idea what they have going on in their lives anymore? If they are moving in a different direction completely, is it okay to keep holding onto threads to try and stay involved with their lives, when really you are no longer a prominent part, or do you let them drift away, and try to stop being jealous of all of the individuals that now hold more importance than you? It is so difficult to grasp at straws when you feel like you have no place to do so, and no effect when you do.

Which is better, letting them go even though you care more than you would like to admit, or holding on when the going gets tough?

“Thing I Wrote About You” number two million and one.

Written July 10, 2010.

“Thing I Wrote About You” number two million and one.

I hate the fact I love you

I hate the fact I care

I hate that when I start to dream,

Your face is always there

I detest how I forgive you

Every time you make me frown

I hate how every time you smile

My world turns upside down

I despise how every single touch

Makes my stomach turn in flips

And I hate how when you’re near me

My heart just starts to kick

I hate how you apologize

Without even using words

And I really hate how what you meant

Is never what I heard.

I’m sick of you describing to me

Why I’m not for you,

But how I always stick around

Because it’s all that I can do.

I loved it when you loved me.

But then you took it back.

And I hate how just one envelope

Could hold such an attack.

I’m terrified of losing you,

Of pushing you away,

And I’m mortified that loving you

Gets harder every day.

I hate how much I needed you

To help me to move on,

And when it came right down to it,

How I wanted you all along.

I hate how when you say hello

I dread for the goodbye.

I hate how, when I’m with you,

The minutes always fly.

I hate how there is nothing that,

For you, I wouldn’t do.

And I hate the fact it took this long

For me to fall for you.

Those not blessed with copious amounts of intelligence.

Okay, so typically I'm a pretty nice person. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, I see things for the majority in a very positive light. I do my best to be patient, controlled, and neutral. But there's one specific thing that makes me break.

Stupid People.

It's that kind of person that refuses to use their frontal lobe, or any other part of their brain, to help them sound like they have an IQ score higher than 2. That kind of idiot person who you have to practically glue your mouth shut in order to not rip them to shreds and come off as a total B****. And especially, ESPECIALLY when you have to show them respect.

I have had an excessive amount of encounters with people of this mold in the past week. Let me tell you some of my recent, more major, stories. There are too many small ones to record, but I'll give you the good ones.

Last Saturday, my buddy, Isaac, and I were going to Brittney and Gage's apartment down in Midvale to see their 'new' big-screen TV. Which is actually kinda old-school because they bought at DI, but it works, and it was supposedly pretty cheap, so that makes it cool. :) But that's irrelevant. We were approaching the freeway on-ramp, our left-turn light was green. So was the go-straight light. We were in the right-hand left-turn lane, right next to the straight lane. There were two or three cars right behind us, at least. The guy right next to us in the go-straight lane, in a suburban, decided that he didn't want to be in the go-straight lane. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE INTERSECTION. And I'm not kidding, he was right next to us. So he paralleled us all the way to the ramp in a non-existent turn lane and wouldn't slow down so we could pass him, so Isaac had to hit the brakes so this guy could cut us off from his illegal left turn, which made the guy behind us angry, and he honked at us. Isaac's response was, "I know, buddy. I know." Great. Seriously, that was the dumbest driver move I think I've ever seen. I was somewhat afraid for my life. At least you know the dumb driver probably feels bad.

So Wednesday I'm sitting in English and we're doing presentations on the research papers we just finished. We had to do a powerpoint or a poster. So this girl, I don't know her name, goes up. She had done her report on Hitler's league of pilots in WWII. It was the something-"legion." But I'm pretty sure this girl has no idea what a legion is. She didn't seem to know that the word meant something other than part of then name. And in addition, when the slide came up, instead of saying the something-"legion" she pronounced it "La-gon." It wasn't confidently, either. More of a "llll-uhh... la-gonnnn."

Copy-and-paste project? I think so.

There were a few other idiocies like that the same class period. My generation, it seems, never learned to read. This is a SENIORS class. Meaning 17-18-year-olds make up the entire roll. And this is level of stupidity is common in my class. SERIOUSLY?! It takes a special breed.

Ok, you know how everyone has an experience with a stupid boss? That happens regularly with me. Yesterday I pulled into the sweeper parking spots behind the school where I work. Usually, my supervisor, Eileen, takes the first spot, but her car wasn't there, so I just took it because it was the closest one that was free. I just figured she wasn't closing today or something. Turns out she was just on her lunch break.

So later, one of my co-workers came up to me and said, "Uh... Eileen parked behind your car. Just so you know." Well, Eileen does strange things. She's into her higher seventies and is fairly senile. I decided I'd nicely ask her to move it after I finished. I had to leave early for Young Ambassador's anyway. Later, Eileen came up to me and said, "Oh, I parked behind your car! I'll move it for you!" Apparently, I was in her spot, heaven forbid, since the parking spot is not labeled as hers I assumed it was fair game. I'm a sinner, what can I say? I said ok, whatever. Don't know why you didn't just park elsewhere in the first place, but that works. cool. Kept working. About an hour later, I pulled my cart up to the supply closet to start detail. Eileen came up again. "Oh, I've been trying to keep tabs on you so I can move my car when you're done! Are you ready for me?" No, Eileen. I have detail to do. My route doesn't end for another hour and fifteen minutes. But I thought you already moved it? Sigh. Ok. So I told her I'd let her know when I was done so she could move it. About twenty minutes later, same thing happened. Apparently even though I'd promised to let her know, she was still keeping track of where I was. Eye roll. Still going.

Later, when I was getting closer to the end of my route, starting to clean, etc., she decided that I was done. Didn't wait for me to tell her I was, she just assumed it was time. Even though it was at LEAST 15 minutes before I told her I'd be done. she went out and moved her car. Except she didn't move it and re-park. She pulled it backward with enough room for me to move mine out, and sat there with her car running. Well, I still had a good five, ten minutes worth of things to do. I had to clean, take out the trash, sign out, grab my sweater. I admit, I mozied a little to see if she was going to give up or just sit out there. Went and took the trash out... there she sat. Juuuuust waiting. Went and got my sweater, slowly signed out, talked to a co-worker for a minute... still waiting. This is appx. 7 minutes after she had pulled out. So I went out to my car, which was one of two cars parked in our space, where there are about 6 parking spots. The four parking spots directly to the left of my car were vacant and altogether extremely accessible. But Eileen was still sitting, car running, next to the curb waiting for me to pull my car out of the lot. As soon as I reversed and drove far enough to leave her open space enough to drive in, she pulled forward into the spot. Meet Eileen, the 70-year-old second grader.

Like I said. This has been a very interesting week. Please, everyone. PLEASE use your common sense, and do not be like these people. Use your acquired intelligence and engage the functions of the frontal lobe. Thanks. :)

The Cycle

The Cycle

Feeling so dark,

like a knife through the heart,

I fight to keep my pulse to stay alive.

Can’t come to my senses,

My mind blocked by fences,

I’ve trapped myself with barriers inside.

The arguments, the fights

The same dreams every night,

That change so much they almost have me fooled

Till I recognize the trend,

Caused by cravings without end,

Inside my mind the turmoil overrules.

The cycle rolls,

It never folds

It comes round time and time again.

Love, hesitation,

despite the reputation

then hate, and guilt for how childish I have been.

Every path, all directions

Both right and wrong with insurrection

Guide me down a path away from him.

I fight with bare hands,

Like claws in the sand,

But no progress made t’wards where he lets me in.

Pain becomes tradition

Confusion constant my position

Always hiding from the next day’s dawn.

But love doesn’t care,

So our hearts never dare.

We can’t fight, we take it as it comes along.

Misery's Lullabye

Misery’s Lullaby

Sleep, sleep, cry, cry,

My nightmares sing my lullaby.

Dream of monsters,

Of saying goodbye,

You’ll feel the terror passing nigh.

Worry, worry, scream, scream,

I hear the dying lovers sing.

An afterthought,

A latent sting

Inside my haunted soul doth ring.

Stoop, stoop, drowned, drowned,

Beneath the sobbing clouds I’m found.

Chasing the distance

While running in round

Defying my fate while keeping it sound.

Circle, circle, flee, flee,

The broken shape my destiny.

I live inside

To set them free

From screeching torment, agony.

Live, live, be, be,

Enlist your trusty apathy.

A hole in your heart

Will make you see

That life is them, repaired by me.

Electricity

Electricity

Tonight you hold me in your arms

The occasion’s rarity resounds.

I feel your heart beat, your kiss so warm

And I can’t help how my heart pounds

Your fingers’ touch an electric pulse

Dancing hot and golden through my veins

Where your lingering hands pass o’er my skin

A molten heart alone remains.

Every breath from you intoxicates

An addictive drug I can’t conceive

Every ounce of will power you can break

By no more than the air you breathe.

A passion burning platinum bright

Assumes the place that held my heart

An internal battle, a bloody fight

Keeps sanity and need apart

You shielded me from the outside world

And in entirety my entity stole

A boundless joy to be left unfurled

And doubt has gone and left me whole.

A crushing want so powerful

I can’t help but give in, concede.

What’s the point of an iron will

When my Kryptonite is all I need?

Anima Seduxerit

I can’t reach the top, and I’m giving up slowly
I’ve never felt farther from reaching the ledge
Covered in scratches and bruises from climbing
My body on fire, my skin is rubbed red.

And I know, I know
That I’m waiting for a rescue
A hope that’s in vain is kindled in me
I know they’ll never save me, I got myself here
But no one ever said you can’t lie yourself free.

I’m feet below the edge and clinging to the side

If I let go now I know I’ll fall back down
But the rocks from the cliff, they cut my hands,
And I have nowhere to hide
I bleed, but don’t release. I’ve got to hold my ground.
This stone is my savior. It is my last breath.
My severed soul holds me from falling to death.

My fingers slip. This suicide is tempting
But I know if I fall back to you, you’ll never let me live
Sometimes I think I should give up my life
Because love to me is something you won’t give

And I know, I know
That you won’t believe when I tell you
That I’m still in love with you, and it’s killing me now.
I’m still addicted, the withdrawals drain my strength
But I have to recover. So I stay away somehow.

I’m feet below the edge and clinging to the side
If I let go now I know I’ll fall back down
But the rocks from the cliff, they cut my hands,
And I have nowhere to hide
I bleed, but don’t release. I’ve got to hold my ground.
This stone is my savior. It is my last breath.
My severed soul holds me from falling to death.

All the battle wounds because of you
I hardly recognize me
You turned me into something that I hate.
And still I cannot see you
As an enemy beside me
By giving in to you, I let my heart tempt fate
And my soul screams out loud for you.
Holding on is the hardest thing to do.

I’m feet below the edge and clinging to the side
If I let go now I know I’ll fall back down
But the rocks from the cliff, they cut my hands,
And I have nowhere to hide
I bleed, but don’t release. I’ve got to hold my ground.
This stone is my savior. It is my last breath.
My severed soul holds me from falling to death.

Without Worth

I wanted wings with which to fly

To conquer worldly space

To destroy the roadblocks that in my path lie

To defy the human race.

I wanted to run like the speed of light

To streak across the seas

To bind all the elements in my own might

With the whisper of a breeze.

I wanted the moon and all of the stars,

I wanted them all for my own.

I wanted to sail on winds afar

And have my heart be called my home

I wanted to reach the farthest reach

To scale the tallest tower

I wanted the song my soul to breach

And to smell the rarest flower.

There was nothing to stop me from building a bridge

From destroying entire towns

Then lifting then up from their ashes rich

And rebuilding them with sound.

I wanted to capture thunder’s sound

The lightning’s frightening power

I’d make the rain come and fall to the ground

And the earth would quake at the shower.

I wanted to feel the most passionate love

I wished for nothing but the burn

The sanctified hunger concocted above

Of my limits I would learn.

I wanted all things to give them to you

I wanted to hand them away.

To give you the world would mean everything

But you left my side today.

So now the world’s worth has gone painfully dry

There is nothing that holds value still

The days and the weeks and the months will pass by

But the silver bell’s sound will be shrill.

The wings that I wanted will lie in debris

The candles I burn remain lit.

There’s no gold bright enough to return you to me

All my dreams are shrunk and ill-fit.

Without you here to give all the earth

I find my own matter so small.

For where is the meaning, where all of the worth

If you’ll never share it at all.

Lie to Me.

I have a thing about honesty.

It's one thing to lie to someone to protect them from the truth, or to fudge a fact to blunt the blow, but when you know the truth already and someone lies straight to your face, KNOWING that you know the truth, it is beyond dishonest. It is downright insulting.

I pride myself in being a rather skilled reader of people. When trying hard enough, I can typically tell a wide range of facts about a particular person by just gauging their body language and habits, even upon first meeting them. It's not an altogether unheard-of skill. After the first impression and as time goes on, this ability to 'read' someone gets easier. When you know someone for a very long time, spend countless hours with them, connect on a very personal level, and come to understand one another's nervous habits and stances, it is almost impossible to misinterpret if you are paying close attention. Something as little as not making eye contact when saying hello, not smiling about a certain subject, or an off-reaction to a specific someone can trigger your awareness of your friend's alteration from their normal mood. I watch for those very carefully when I am in a potentially uncomfortable situation.

Now here's the kicker. If you know your friend this well, chances are they know you equally. They may not vocalize it, but they'll notice the forehead rub every ten seconds that gives away your discomfort. The will catch you staring into the corner of the room to avoid someone else's eye. They will always, always notice the way you speak, and how much speaking you do, whether it be too much or too little.

If your behavior is unexpected, and your friend becomes cognizant of your altered posture, they likely will ask you, in a discreet manner, what the matter is. It is natural to disregard or brush aside this gesture, and often, that is what happens, accompanied by a tacit agreement to discuss the matter later. That is fine, and works well. However, when this happens to me, and someone deliberately lies to me, wishing to deceive me about their state of well-being, when I know full-well that they do not feel the way they say they do, I tend to lose respect for that individual. If I am taking the time from my day to ask them why they are uncomfortable, it is not because I want to uncover their weakness. It is because I wish to assist them to find a solution to the problem.

Do not lie to someone who cares, or they may learn to believe you wish them to stop caring. The last thing any of us needs is one less person who gives a crap about us enough to ask.

Symptoms of Addiction

"It's like you're a drug. It's like you're a demon I can't face down, it's like I'm stuck. It's like I'm running from you all the time." --Kelly Clarkson, Addicted.

Have you ever been addicted?

Not to a substance, but to a person. A living, breathing human being.

If you have never been addicted to someone, you may not be able to quite comprehend the feelings it generates. This person becomes you. Not that they actually turn into you, but you absorb so much of them, so many of their habits, their sayings, their catch phrases, opinions, ideas, ideals, flaws, dreams, sentiments, mannerisms... that eventually, you are, by a very large percentage, made up of...them. This person is like the leaky faucet in the back of your head. The one that, even when the faucet isn't on, when you're not thinking of them specifically, the constant drip of their name in the corners of your consciousness allow you to never really lose cognizance of their presence in your being. You will always worry about this person, no matter what is going on, with no consideration to whom they dedicate their time, and with no variance pertaining to their actual state of well-being. You will think of this person every time a song comes on the radio. No matter what song it is, you'll find some line to relate to them.

Let's say this someone is a male, and let's pretend his name is Jared. When you stand next to Jared, there is a literal, tangible force that draws you nearer to him. Whenever he walks past you, you, by instinct and not conscious decision, breathe in just to catch his scent, which is unendingly intoxicating. No matter the color, shape, size, or temperature of his eyes, every time he looks at you, you melt. His smile will be the most important thing in the world. And no matter what, every time he bats an eyelash at you, no matter how determined you are to hold your ground, it brings you to your knees. The slightest touch from him causes an electric spark to speed up your pulse and set your nerves on fire. You will never get enough of Jared. When you are away from Jared, it is like winter has set in for good. When you are preparing to meet Jared, there are more butterflies in your stomach than in springtime, and when you are with Jared, it is a constant summer. Even if you are fighting, you don't want him to go away, because that means winter is coming back. If you are fortunate enough to earn a kiss from him, it will be the most memorable one of your lifetime, and he will always taste good.

If you are very lucky, Jared will be addicted to you in the same way.

Let us pretend now that this person is female, just to be fair. Let's say her name is Kate.

What if Kate does not feel the same for you as you do for her, and instead holds you somewhat in a state of disregard? She is not unfriendly, but her efforts toward holding the relationship with you are weak and insincere. When you stand next to Kate, feeling that immutable draw toward her, you feel an invisible wall holding you back. You know she cares. There is no doubt. However, she cannot understand your actions and emotions because she does not share your sentiments. All of those times when all you wish to do is reach down and take her hand are unbearable, because she will not allow it. You are willing to spend an eternity in this agony, waiting for her to understand you and learn to love you as you love her, but you are never sure whether or not she will ever turn. You may wish to leave, but you will never leave her behind. A part of her will always be with you, and every time you see her face those feelings will come flooding back. You can keep holding on, keep trying with no guarantee of success, or you can leave and hope she can't follow you. Either way will be painful. Neither way will be right. Both ways are what you want, but each seems like the wrong choice. The final decision ends up in Kate's hands.

You are faced with an impossible challenge, at which time your only option is to turn to the Lord and hope that he guides you in the right direction. But you must be willing to listen.

Once you are addicted, the only cure is abstinence. If this is not possible, neither is recovery.

I have been addicted.

I am still addicted.

I pray that I need not recover.

Beginning or End?

Beginning or End?

The stars, with pulsing rays of hope

Give chase to hidden wants

And love with martyred death desires

The blood, and, cowering, haunts.

The vapors of my memory

Dissolved in open space

Give oxygen to past fantasies

And current dreams deface.

In defiance of Omnipotence

I claim to know the truth,

And yet, my heart within my chest

Seems lacking of the proof.

With sorrows and my miseries

I dwell in shadows deep,

While underneath the skin of lies

My liberties I keep.

They say in future chance of crime

Keep to yourself your tears,

For showing of insanities

Only adds to greater fears.

But council now, that singing out

The key of bittersweet

Will grow and root you to the air

And assist you in defeat.