"It's like you're a drug. It's like you're a demon I can't face down, it's like I'm stuck. It's like I'm running from you all the time." --Kelly Clarkson, Addicted.
Have you ever been addicted?
Not to a substance, but to a person. A living, breathing human being.
If you have never been addicted to someone, you may not be able to quite comprehend the feelings it generates. This person becomes you. Not that they actually turn into you, but you absorb so much of them, so many of their habits, their sayings, their catch phrases, opinions, ideas, ideals, flaws, dreams, sentiments, mannerisms... that eventually, you are, by a very large percentage, made up of...them. This person is like the leaky faucet in the back of your head. The one that, even when the faucet isn't on, when you're not thinking of them specifically, the constant drip of their name in the corners of your consciousness allow you to never really lose cognizance of their presence in your being. You will always worry about this person, no matter what is going on, with no consideration to whom they dedicate their time, and with no variance pertaining to their actual state of well-being. You will think of this person every time a song comes on the radio. No matter what song it is, you'll find some line to relate to them.
Let's say this someone is a male, and let's pretend his name is Jared. When you stand next to Jared, there is a literal, tangible force that draws you nearer to him. Whenever he walks past you, you, by instinct and not conscious decision, breathe in just to catch his scent, which is unendingly intoxicating. No matter the color, shape, size, or temperature of his eyes, every time he looks at you, you melt. His smile will be the most important thing in the world. And no matter what, every time he bats an eyelash at you, no matter how determined you are to hold your ground, it brings you to your knees. The slightest touch from him causes an electric spark to speed up your pulse and set your nerves on fire. You will never get enough of Jared. When you are away from Jared, it is like winter has set in for good. When you are preparing to meet Jared, there are more butterflies in your stomach than in springtime, and when you are with Jared, it is a constant summer. Even if you are fighting, you don't want him to go away, because that means winter is coming back. If you are fortunate enough to earn a kiss from him, it will be the most memorable one of your lifetime, and he will always taste good.
If you are very lucky, Jared will be addicted to you in the same way.
Let us pretend now that this person is female, just to be fair. Let's say her name is Kate.
What if Kate does not feel the same for you as you do for her, and instead holds you somewhat in a state of disregard? She is not unfriendly, but her efforts toward holding the relationship with you are weak and insincere. When you stand next to Kate, feeling that immutable draw toward her, you feel an invisible wall holding you back. You know she cares. There is no doubt. However, she cannot understand your actions and emotions because she does not share your sentiments. All of those times when all you wish to do is reach down and take her hand are unbearable, because she will not allow it. You are willing to spend an eternity in this agony, waiting for her to understand you and learn to love you as you love her, but you are never sure whether or not she will ever turn. You may wish to leave, but you will never leave her behind. A part of her will always be with you, and every time you see her face those feelings will come flooding back. You can keep holding on, keep trying with no guarantee of success, or you can leave and hope she can't follow you. Either way will be painful. Neither way will be right. Both ways are what you want, but each seems like the wrong choice. The final decision ends up in Kate's hands.
You are faced with an impossible challenge, at which time your only option is to turn to the Lord and hope that he guides you in the right direction. But you must be willing to listen.
Once you are addicted, the only cure is abstinence. If this is not possible, neither is recovery.
I have been addicted.
I am still addicted.
I pray that I need not recover.
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